This blog post is written by Kim, a Chico Doula Circle doula and owner of Supportive Conceptions Surrogacy. My first time as a surrogate, I was carrying a baby brother for a sweet little boy. In fact what caught my attention about this particular couple was that the letter to their future surrogate was written from the perspective of their 1 1/2 year old. So sweet! When baby A was born, big brother took great delight in the train set that the new arrival had picked out especially for him! A new baby in the family is a joy for everyone. But the reality is that babies also change the dynamics of a family. Whether you are first-time parents, or have older children who are also welcoming the new baby, everyone's roles are changed.  If you have older children, there is an opportunity for a special sibling bond to develop with their new tiny baby brother or sister. But, depending on the ages of your older children, there is also potential for  the older child or children to feel jealousy, confusion, and anger. But there are some concrete things you can do to help encourage positive interactions with all of your children.

1. Have a basket of special toys for your older child that only comes out at certain times.

Everyone knows newborns need a lot of attention, and there's not really any way of getting around this. But it's possible to help your older child look forward to those times when you quietly feed their younger sibling.  If your older child has a special basket of toys which only come out when it's time for the new baby to eat, they may begin to look forward to when you sit in your special rocking chair and feed the baby. If this special basket is reserved only for these times, the contents in the basket will be a special treat for you child. They will have a positive association with when you feed the baby. Who knows, they may even encourage or remind you that it's time to feed baby, just so they can play with their special toys.

       2.    Give special tasks to older child to help out
It is essential that your older child feel that they are part of welcoming your new baby too. If you can come up with a special role for them to do, they won't feel excluded. Some ideas of things they can do are helping throw the laundry in the washer, and they can also help out with dishes. They can also help out with diaper changes. You may be surprised how fascinated they will be with diaper changes!

      3.    Give them a gift from baby
Some people suggest picking out a small toy to give to your older child, as a gift from the baby. Other good things to do? Help your older child pick out a gift for the baby, to set the seeds for a loving and appreciative relationship. It might also not be a bad idea to have some other small toys on hand to give to older sibling in case people bring a gift for your baby, but neglect to bring one for your older child. You can easily avoid this situation by reminding people that if  they want to bring a gift, not to forget older brother or sister.

      4.    Greet your older child before the baby
This is a simple request that you can make to other family members and friends. When your older children are acknowledged before baby, they won't feel left out. After all, how would you feel if you were constantly being passed over for someone else? 

A new baby in the home brings special joys and challenges, but if you are patient and empathetic, there is an opportunity for a wonderful deep loving relationship to develop between your baby and older children. There's definitely enough love to go around! To this day, it is heart warming to see them together and to watch their deep bond grow through the years. Being an integral part of making that a reality is so precious and such an honor. In fact, the plan for sibling project for my second set of IP's is in the works. Hopefully 2016 will bring a second child into their home and make her a big sister!

Being a doula is a gift. We get to bear witness to magnificent love and strength, and we get to watch it unfold. Doula work takes a lot of time, experience, education, and commitment to our clients. But the payoff is so worth it. What other job:

Develops relationships deep as the ocean...

            The relationship which develops during pregnancy, between the doula, the mother, and her partner is indescribable. Often the late-night phone calls between the doula and mother, easing the qualms of late pregnancy, plant the seed for relationships which do not end once the baby is born. Oftentimes, life-long friendships develop, and we relish the opportunity to watch these babies grow. Every holiday season, doulas the world over find holiday cards awash with babies (baby's?) pictures, inside their mailboxes. These pictures always make us stop and remember that particular mother's story, and that special baby. Especially if we've been doing doula work for a long time, maybe we won't remember the particular details of that birth, but we will remember and (an) emotion, a feeling. Was it an ecstatic quick birth, or a long drawn-out birth that took everything the mother had? No matter what kind of birth it was, that baby on the postcard, smiling back at us reminds us why we do this work.

Witnesses Mountainous Strength...

            The doula is an objective observer. She sees all. She is there to remind the mother after all is said and done, that she did it! And no matter how difficult, scary, or long a mother's labor is, she will come out the other side. Oftentimes she will surprise herself, and those around her. In these times, she might not really remember how she pushed past the intensity, how she fully and completely let her body and her intuitions take over. The doula gets to witness this all, and as many times as we have seen it, it never ever gets old, and we never take it for granted.

Gently Helps Guide... 

            The relationship between a mother and her doula often overlaps into areas outside of matters relating to the pregnancy. The doula is there when the mother needs to vent about her marital issues, or her fears about how her older children will adjust to a new baby. The doula holds her client's concerns in her heart, and she acts as a gentle guide, always encouraging the mother to listen to her own heart and intuition to find resolutions her to concerns. Sometimes the doula's client just needs empathy and validation for all of her feelings, and sometimes she needs to be given the right evidence-based information with which to make a decision which is right for her.

Complements the Complexity of Relationships...

            The birth room is a sacred place, and the relationship between the mother and partner is sacred as well. When the couple invites their doula into their space, she honors that gift by watching how the couple interacts, and never ever takes the place of the partner. Maybe there is another friend or family member who is the mother's main support person. No matter who is present in the birth room, the doula helps everyone. She acts as glue, to solidify the relationships which are already there. She will meet the other support people wherever they are, and help them be more involved if they want to be. Or, if the intensity of the room is too much for some of the support people there, she will step in and gently take their place, while showing or suggesting other ways they can be useful.

Doula work is complex and intimate, and her role in your birth will be just as unique as you are. But no matter the roles your doula takes on, she will help you tell your best birth story.

In what ways did your doula help you have a better birth experience?

Have you heard the term 'baby-friendly' hospital? Maybe you've seen the billboards around town which advertise that Feather River Hospital is baby friendly. But what does this term mean? Aren't all hospitals baby friendly? Although many hospitals are friendly to babies, in order for a hospital to declare itself  a Baby Friendly Hospital, specific criteria must be met, including not accepting samples of formula, and making sure all nursing staff are trained in how to help a mother succeed at breastfeeding. Most of the requirements that come with the baby friendly label have to do with breastfeeding. There are only a few hundred hospitals and birth centers in the country which have earned this title.

So specific hospitals can be deemed Baby Friendly, but did you know that they can also be designated Mother Friendly? Two separate organizations give these designations. The Baby Friendly Hospital Initiative was started in part by the World Health Organization (WHO), while the Mother Friendly Childbirth Initiative is backed by the Coalition for Improving Maternity Services, a group of many individuals and organizations.

What makes a hospital mother friendly? Just as there are ten steps which must be completed in order to earn the Baby Friendly label , there are also ten steps to fulfill for a hospital or birth center to be Mother Friendly. To be designated Mother Friendly, hospitals must:

1. Offer all birthing mothers:
Unrestricted access to birth companions including fathers, partners, children, family members, and friends;
Unrestricted access to continuous emotional and physical support from a skilled woman—for example, a doula;
Access to professional midwifery care.

 2. Provide accurate descriptive and statistical information to the public about its practices and procedures for birth care, including measures of interventions and outcomes.

3. Provide culturally competent care—that is, care that is sensitive and responsive to the specific beliefs, values, and customs of the mother’s ethnicity and religion.

4. Provide the birthing woman with the freedom to walk, move about, and assume the positions of her choice during labor and birth (unless restriction is specifically required to correct a complication), and discourages the use of the lithotomy (flat on back) position.

5. Have clearly defined policies and procedures for:
Collaborating and consulting throughout the perinatal period with other maternity services, including communicating with the original caregiver when transfer from one birth site to another is necessary;
Linking the mother and baby to appropriate community resources, including prenatal and breastfeeding support.

6. Not routinely employ practices and procedures that are unsupported by scientific evidence, including but not limited to the following:
shaving, enemas, IVs, withholding nourishment or water, early rupture of membranes, electronic fetal monitoring Other interventions are limited as follows:
Has an induction rate of 10% or less, Has an episiotomy rate of 20% or less with a goal of 5% or less, Has a total cesarean rate of 10% or less in community hospitals, and 15% or less in tertiary care (high-risk) hospitals, Has a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean) rate of 60% or more with a goal of 75% or more.

7. Educates staff in non-drug methods of pain relief, and does not promote the use of analgesic or anesthetic drugs not specifically required to correct a complication.

8. Encourages all mothers and families, including those with sick or premature newborns or infants with congenital problems, to touch, hold, breastfeed, and care for their babies to the extent compatible with their conditions.

9. Discourages non-religious circumcision of the newborn.

10. Strives to achieve the WHO-UNICEF “Ten Steps of the Baby-Friendly Hospital Initiative” to promote successful breastfeeding:

Have you heard of Baby Friendly Hospitals? What is your impression of the Mother Friendly Hospital Initiative?